Tag: school

Categories
LiveJournal Archives

I didn’t blog last week…

…in which I talk about stuff, trying to make up for missing a week.

I’ve got three computers installing software on my desk right now, so I’m going to take a moment to just ramble mindlessly.

On Grad School:

I’ve pretty much decided I’m not going to continue in Grad School next year. I was thinking I could juggle it all, but I’ve been so much happier lately not thinking about photo. I love photo, don’t get me wrong, but I have to drop something and its the biggest stress relief of all the non-necessary things in my life. I can’t quit work, I can’t quit parenting, so that leaves gaming and school. Grad school is really expensive, not as expensive as it would be if I wasn’t a University employee, but still, its a good chunk of change, not only for tuition, but also supplies and incidental fees. With Heather quitting her job, our pockets are going to be tight enough as it is, so we really don’t need me to be spending $1000-$2000 a semester on school. We were barely covering the cost as it is. Also, its a huge stressor when I get behind or get “photo blocked.” I just don’t need that kind of stress right now. I can keep photographing without getting my MFA. An MFA gives me a sense of achievement and the capacity to teach at a Collegiate level, but I’m not sure I ever really wanted to be a teacher. I don’t mind giving demos, or doing workshops, but I’ve never been driven to be a teacher. I’ll be dropping the program with two Incompletes, but I’ve been informed that at the graduate level, they don’t revert back to the earned grade (which would be F’s in my case), but rather, just stay as an I. I’m fine with that. I may pick it up again when things get more sane, but I’ve pretty much gotten out of the program what I wanted. I wanted to get a renewed sense of artistry and to start photographing again. I wanted to shake my life up and get out of my rut. I wanted to feel more academic and intellectual. I wanted to take my life more seriously. Between the work I’ve put in to the program, and the arrival of Ansel, I’ve achieved all of those things, and made some good friends as a result. I do not regret my choice to enter the program, nor do I regret my choice to leave the program. The entire experience has been a joy and a success to me. I am thankful to everyone who supported me and helped me along the way, and wish to see only the best happen to everyone who is still working at it.

On Baby:

Ansel is developing so fast, he seems super-human. He’s started officially “cruising” lately. He’s still a little shaky around corners (he can walk the length of the coffee table, but stops at the corner and often turns back) and last night was learning how to use the “rungs” on the bed foot-board to walk back and forth. He can also transition from object to object, like from the coffee table to his music table to the couch (this is actually how he takes corners). He’s figuring out what he can pull himself up on, and how to get around once he’s done so. For example, he can pull himself up on his music table, but not the coffee table, so if the two are close enough, he pulls himself up on the music table and turns around to get to the coffee table. He’s also shown signs of obvious trust in us. I realize this is a weird concept for those of you without children, but since a baby’s emotions and dialog are so rudimentary, its tough to understand what a baby is thinking, even what he thinks about you. Lately, when he comes to the edge of something that he’s cruising along, if there’s nothing to continue on to, and I’m sitting with him, he looks back at me and grabs my hand so that I can guide him to something else. What’s so amazing about it is that there’s no crying or insistence, he knows full well that I’ll take his hand and we’ll waddle to another piece of furniture. In addition to this, he’s started hugging us, or at least wrapping his arms tighter around us, and grabbing our shirts to hold on when we’re carrying him. He also rests his head on our chests more, which is something he did when he was too little to pick his head up, but ever since he developed his neck muscles, never did afterwards. Now its more heartwarming because we know he’s doing it by choice. Lastly, he’s gotten his third tooth and is about to get the fourth. We know they’re hurting him, and there’s so little you can do but try to comfort him. As a result, his sleep’s been really off. Heather staying home with him next month (and beyond) should hopefully help his sleep, though.

Miscellaneous:

We got new carpet in our living room, its gorgeous but still a little scratchy on your bare ass. Our internet was out for four days last week, that shit pisses me off especially since I know they’re not going to reimburse me for my outage. I can’t wait to start biking to work, I need the exercise and I miss riding my bike. Someday I want to be able to ride my bike to Frisco, not because I want to go to Frisco, just to know I can. Thanks to wonderful friends of ours we get to go to two movies this week, thats more than we usually went to even before we had Ansel. I’m trying to think of more one line announcements, but I think I’ve said all I need to for the week.

Originally posted at K. Close III
You can comment at kclose3.com

Categories
LiveJournal Archives

The Karate Kid had some Kick-Ass Music…

…in which I talk about kicking some ass at work and failing at life.

So the last couple of days I’ve pulled off some really good moves at work. I finished an experimental projects with the Design Department today and its a roaring success. Yesterday, I was able to recode some web stuff flawlessly and simultaneously purge a particularly nasty virus from a laptop. I’m still not on top of everything here, but I’m knocking some big stuff down. The next big project is an overwhelming one. Next week I get to inventory every computer we have in the school. I usually do that during Spring Break, but with us getting ready for the server migration that didn’t happen, I didn’t have the chance to do it. Now we’re down to the wire, which hasn’t happened in a few years with the inventory and I’m sweating it a little bit. I’m sure it will all come off without a hitch, but that doesn’t mean I’m not still thinking about it.

On the home front, however, guilt has been building a bit since I got the Xbox. Not guilt over buying the Xbox, not at all. I’m totally cool with that. However, my obsessive personality does kind of kick in once in a while and I’ve been playing the Xbox quite a bit lately. I try to be the good husband/father and make sure that everything that needs taking care of around the house has been taken care of, but also, my idea of necessary tasks has always been more relaxed than Heather’s. I actually surprised her on Tuesday by actually doing some laundry and dishes while she was out and I was taking care of Ansel, alone. I think she was mostly surprised because when she came home, I was just sitting in front of the TV, playing Crackdown, drinking a beer. I looked like I must have been there the whole night, but Ansel was fed and asleep and the dishes and diapers were all clean. I have mixed feelings about that, though. I love to surprise her and make her feel loved by doing things around the house for her, but at the same time, she apparently has such low expectations, it doesn’t take much to meet her approval.

As far as photography is concerned, however, I’ve still not gotten any further in doing any actual photo projects. I had some ideas the other day, but I haven’t played with them at all. I’m trying to figure out how I’m going to implement my ideas, even though I should just be doing it. My mind is having a hard time wrapping around some of the things I want to photograph, plus I have a permanent paranoia that I’m just going to start doing something that other people have already done and will never find a way to make it “mine.” I know I shouldn’t concern myself with it and should just produce something, but I’ve been so self-loathing yesterday (in every aspect except work, apparently). I’m more concerned about what’s going to happen when I’m expected to actually participate in class again and I have to make up the two incompletes I’ve received as grades during my “relaxed” period. Ugh. I feel like I’m in an educational hole that I no longer even care about.

Originally posted at K. Close III
You can comment at kclose3.com

Categories
LiveJournal Archives

A Short Nap in the Texas Springtime…

…in which I talk about my day off and what’s still plaguing my mind.

I took a “sick” day yesterday. To be honest, I’d call it a sanity day. I tried to make a four day weekend out of it, but Friday I came in in the morning to meet with a faculty who requested we talk about some problems she’s been having with her computer. As it turned out, she left her laptop at home anyway and I could have just taken the day off after all. No great loss, though, I like the faculty member, and I think just showing up to help her out made her feel good and we talked about what the problems could be anyway. I did take the rest of Friday off, however, and while I don’t remember exactly what I did, I’m pretty sure I enjoyed it. I’ve just been really stressed lately and I needed a break.

The weekend was good, but as always, far too short. Which leads me to my taking Monday off as well. It was a beautiful day and I just lazed around the house for the most part. I did a couple loads of laundry to make Heather happy, I read my book in my hanging chair out back, I bought a new game for my xbox and played the crap out of it. When Heather and Ansel came home, we went out and had Panera for dinner and then I got to eat some of Angela’s cake for desert. In brief, it was a day I really needed. I also did some thinking about how stressed I’ve been lately, and how much pressure life is putting on me and how good that one day felt.

Aside from the obvious statement of “I need more days like that” I thought that I need to find a way to remove some stressors in my life. And while I hate thinking about it, I always come back to school. I’ve got so much going on, that I just can’t seem to concentrate on school. For nearly two semesters now (from the week Ansel was born) I haven’t done anything at all in the way of schoolwork aside from my one trip down to Houston for FotoFest and that was something I should have done whether I was in school or not. The only time school factors into my current state of life is when I all of a sudden realize that I haven’t been doing any photo projects or research or anything, and that I really should be or I’m going to get further and further behind.

Am I really unhappy with my life as it is? Do I really need my MFA to change my current state? I realize I’m underpaid and that I could be making more money either at another job like this one, or in a teaching position that could be garnered with my MFA, but do I want or need that much change? I realize I ask this question a lot and its going to come up frequently in my blogging. Get used to it. When I was sitting in my chair, hanging from the tree in my back yard yesterday, a book in my lap and the wind gently twisting me around, I had to wonder why I was going to school?

I need to work. Its an unfortunate requirement of this modern life. Unless you are remarkably blessed, or were extremely pro-active at some point in your life (or are willing to live a very substandard existence), you must submit yourself to work. I know there are people out there who have jobs that aren’t “work,” and that they do what they love and get paid for it, but I’m pretty sure there aren’t that many jobs out there to sit under a tree and read a book.

Originally posted at K. Close III
You can comment at kclose3.com

Categories
LiveJournal Archives

Exhaustion…

…in which I talk about how friggin tired I’ve been lately.

I feel like for the past two months, my life’s been going a million miles an hour. When the new semester started, I was ready to get back to it and start working on that MFA again after taking a “new baby hiatus.” Unfortunately, the universe has conspired against me and while I was having a hard time finding the opportunity to photograph, things have gotten considerably more difficult to the point that I don’t even have the energy to think about anything other than what I’m doing at that very moment. Pre-planning is a thing of the past and almost everything is suffering from last minute realizations that I’ve forgotten something.

So the first month of the semester went alright. I was attending class, I was thinking about photographing (even if I wasn’t actually doing so). Mid-February, my co-worker had his baby (okay, really his wife had the baby, but he was there) and he went on paternity leave for the next month. This meant that I now had to cover a lot of his duties in addition to mine. This was a level of additional work dedication I had not been thinking about, even though I knew his wife was pregnant. It just didn’t really occur to me until I was doing it. On top of this, we were preparing for a large server migration to occur the week after spring break, in mid-March. As the date for the migration got closer – and I was still doing my job, plus my co-worker’s job, plus the extra work required for the migration – my boss developed a bad case of pneumonia. This left our entire office staffed by myself and our student worker for the better part of three weeks, and we were still trying to get ready for this migration, in which my boss played the most major of roles. To add to this, I had three road trips lined up for late February and March (my trip to Arkansas, then my trip to Houston, and finally my trip to North Carolina).

And while some people will claim that its the oak pollen that’s making everyone so tired, I tend to think I’ve got some extenuating circumstances that are the cause of my overwhelming exhaustion. Did I mention that this year was the first year that the University actually took away our spring break, on top of everything else? So while the students and faculty got the week off in the middle of March, the staff (which include my wife and I) were all still working. So we didn’t even get the vacation in the middle of the semester that we’re used to. I’ve decided I really need a vacation, even if its just a week off at home – or heck, maybe even a four day weekend. I’m going to have to talk to my boss about that, because I’m dying here and I just need a couple days to regain my sanity.

Originally posted at K. Close III
You can comment at kclose3.com

Categories
LiveJournal Archives

Who Am I…

…in which I speak about myself as an artist, a craftsman, and an individual.

I’ve reached the same frustrating plateau that I did with my last photography project, that point where it’s “really close;” that point where I just need to push it a little further and make it stand out. Its that point where the only solution is to shoot more and “play” more. It is that place where I finally got so frustrated and so “photo-blocked” that I couldn’t produce anything, and I’m afraid I’m hitting the same place again. Its the place where I begin to suspect that I am a craftsman more than an artist. I can take a damned fine photograph if I do say so myself, but I can’t seem to dig in and find the creative spark to go from a fine photograph to fine art. If I really wanted to, I could take perfect calendar photos (which make up the majority of the “best photographs” on flickr), but I can’t seem to push it to a place where it would catch a gallerist’s interest. I also don’t have much interest in making calendar photos.

This is the same place where I start to wonder if I really am cut out to be an artist. The one thing I always question, the one thing that always comes to mind at this point, is a quote I read not too long ago that says “An artist makes art because he must.” I’ve never, necessarily felt this way. I don’t know if its because I’m not an artist, or if its because I grew up to believe that there was nothing I “must do.” That I could do anything I wanted. I am not career oriented, I don’t have a driving desire to make a name for myself or to be implicitly successful. My only driving goal is to be happy, and my happiness comes quite simply. I would like a little bit more money, I would like a little bit more free time, but I don’t need a big house, or a convertible, or airline mies. Health, happiness, security; these are the things I need. So I ask myself again, am I an artist or a craftsman, and if I am the latter, do I have the dedication and desire to become more than just a craftsman.

Part of the problem is time and time management. Between Sleeping from I’m awake, on average, from 7am to 11pm each day, and on five of those days, I’m either getting ready for work, at work, or coming home from work from the time that I wake up until nearly 6pm. During that time after 6pm, Ansel is awake for only and hour or two, which puts me as being “busy” from 7am to 8pm. That leaves three hours between Ansel going to bed and my going to bed. Thats three hours of “me” time; or more importantly, “us” time for Heather and I. I am loathe to shed any of that away. I hate leaving the house after I’ve gotten home, and I hate to do any “work” after having already worked for the greatest majority of my day. Its so much easier just to say “I’ll work on Photo later,” but then I end up with a crit in 3 days and nothing prepared (which is a rapidly approaching inevitability, once again).

I love Photo, and I don’t want to quit, but my main goal in starting my MFA was to shake up my life. I was in a stagnant place. I hadn’t picked up a camera in years, I hadn’t done anything but work since I had graduated in ’99, and the idea of me doing anything academic had pretty much left me completely behind. Starting my MFA required me to rebuild my life. To once again become more creative, to think academically, to open myself up to new experiences, and to get out of the rut that had become a trench. Since then, however, I’ve started my photo of the day project (and as you know, am now on my second), I never go anywhere with out a camera, I am reading much more, I am trying to write more, and I am more critical of the things I do. And then, on top of all that, I now have my baby Ansel to shake everything up like a polaroid picture (yeah, that turn of phrase is about to die).

I just don’t know what I’m doing right now or where I’m going. All I know is I have stress and I can’t seem to shuffle it off like I used to. I need to push myself, but I don’t know if I’ll bend or break.

Categories
LiveJournal Archives

damnit, I can’t seem to get myself into gear for the last week of the semester. I have one more critique to do and while I’ve gone on a few photo shoots and probably have enough images to edit out 20 for printing, I haven’t touched them since I shot them.

damn you thanksgiving coming so close to the rest of the holidays.

Categories
LiveJournal Archives

Another Day – Another Bullet in my Head

Its the last Thursday before classes, and while this would usually mean I’d be staring fondly off the third floor balcony over the lightwell, thinking what a nice ker-splatt I’d make on the concrete below, I have to say, I’m doing better than that this year. Since corwin75Steve and I traded jobs, I feel bad watching him stress, but I’m still not entirely stress free either. I’ve still got 20+ computers to distribute and a work room full of shit that needs to be dealt with.

Also, if you don’t read some other journals on my friends list, I should inform you that I’ve decided to go back to school this Fall. I’m going to start work on my MFA in Photography. Heather and I have been talking about it for a while and we weren’t sure where the money was going to come from. We finally decided that we’d go ahead and put the first half of the tuition on a credit card and pay the later payments out of our account. So I’ll be picking up the cameras and doing some serious shooting. Apparently the class has a crit every three weeks with an assignment of 20 perfect prints.

I may be calling for models so if you know anyone who doesn’t mind being photographed a lot and wouldn’t expect to be paid to stand around while I take pictures, I’d appreciate some help. I haven’t decided at all what I’m going to be photographing, but I though I’d just throw that out there. I used to have an online portfolio, but apparently it’s been lost so I’ll try to get some samples of what I used to do. I don’t do portraiture, but I often have people in my photos.

Anyway, back to the grind.

Categories
LiveJournal Archives

ahhCHOOOO

I’ve been fighting a cold for the last couple days. I never really get that sick, but yesterday I was feeling bad enough I decided I needed to take a day off. Sheesh, I’m either really sick or really sick of work.

Continue reading “ahhCHOOOO”
Categories
LiveJournal Archives

From my Old Clié Journals

I’m really bad at writing entries in here. It’s not like it’s a requirement or anything, it’s just supposed to be here for my own edification in the future.

Continue reading “From my Old Clié Journals”