Who Am I…
Monday, February 18th, 2008 |
LiveJournal Archives
…in which I speak about myself as an artist, a craftsman, and an individual.
I’ve reached the same frustrating plateau that I did with my last photography project, that point where it’s “really close;” that point where I just need to push it a little further and make it stand out. Its that point where the only solution is to shoot more and “play” more. It is that place where I finally got so frustrated and so “photo-blocked” that I couldn’t produce anything, and I’m afraid I’m hitting the same place again. Its the place where I begin to suspect that I am a craftsman more than an artist. I can take a damned fine photograph if I do say so myself, but I can’t seem to dig in and find the creative spark to go from a fine photograph to fine art. If I really wanted to, I could take perfect calendar photos (which make up the majority of the “best photographs” on flickr), but I can’t seem to push it to a place where it would catch a gallerist’s interest. I also don’t have much interest in making calendar photos.
This is the same place where I start to wonder if I really am cut out to be an artist. The one thing I always question, the one thing that always comes to mind at this point, is a quote I read not too long ago that says “An artist makes art because he must.” I’ve never, necessarily felt this way. I don’t know if its because I’m not an artist, or if its because I grew up to believe that there was nothing I “must do.” That I could do anything I wanted. I am not career oriented, I don’t have a driving desire to make a name for myself or to be implicitly successful. My only driving goal is to be happy, and my happiness comes quite simply. I would like a little bit more money, I would like a little bit more free time, but I don’t need a big house, or a convertible, or airline mies. Health, happiness, security; these are the things I need. So I ask myself again, am I an artist or a craftsman, and if I am the latter, do I have the dedication and desire to become more than just a craftsman.
Part of the problem is time and time management. Between Sleeping from I’m awake, on average, from 7am to 11pm each day, and on five of those days, I’m either getting ready for work, at work, or coming home from work from the time that I wake up until nearly 6pm. During that time after 6pm, Ansel is awake for only and hour or two, which puts me as being “busy” from 7am to 8pm. That leaves three hours between Ansel going to bed and my going to bed. Thats three hours of “me” time; or more importantly, “us” time for Heather and I. I am loathe to shed any of that away. I hate leaving the house after I’ve gotten home, and I hate to do any “work” after having already worked for the greatest majority of my day. Its so much easier just to say “I’ll work on Photo later,” but then I end up with a crit in 3 days and nothing prepared (which is a rapidly approaching inevitability, once again).
I love Photo, and I don’t want to quit, but my main goal in starting my MFA was to shake up my life. I was in a stagnant place. I hadn’t picked up a camera in years, I hadn’t done anything but work since I had graduated in ’99, and the idea of me doing anything academic had pretty much left me completely behind. Starting my MFA required me to rebuild my life. To once again become more creative, to think academically, to open myself up to new experiences, and to get out of the rut that had become a trench. Since then, however, I’ve started my photo of the day project (and as you know, am now on my second), I never go anywhere with out a camera, I am reading much more, I am trying to write more, and I am more critical of the things I do. And then, on top of all that, I now have my baby Ansel to shake everything up like a polaroid picture (yeah, that turn of phrase is about to die).
I just don’t know what I’m doing right now or where I’m going. All I know is I have stress and I can’t seem to shuffle it off like I used to. I need to push myself, but I don’t know if I’ll bend or break.
6 Comments to Who Am I…
I think it’s really good that you’re writing your thoughts down about this, especially since it’s a big set of crossroads, so to speak.
I can see your point on separating artist and craftsman, but I always saw a craftsman as someone who was more interested in creating things that can be perceived as artistic, but their focus is more on being technically sound and, if necessary, functional. I guess if you were one of those people, like so many out there, who decided that you just want to dabble in photography from time to time, then that might be applicable. I think artists make work regardless of what is required of them and they also think of their own individual concept and focuses beyond what others think/do.
For me, I understand that quote about how artists make art because they must, and for a while I was wondering if I was one of those people too. I was so used to being in school and being required to make work that I wasn’t sure if I could have the motivation to do it on my own. My biggest test was when I took that year off and worked at TWU. I started in August, and by December I was feeling my creative side crying. I had no facilities to print, no time to do anything, and no real outlet. I realized that without having that opportunity or focus on my creative life, I began to feel really empty. That’s why I started thinking about grad school. Now, I don’t think everyone has to follow that formula to get to that point, nor do I think that everyone needs an MFA to be an artist. There are plenty of people out there with NO art education that are talented enough to make it work as a career for them.
I don’t know if any of this is really helpful, but I would think about these things a lot. I know you took some time off when Ansel was born and it’s hard to balance fatherhood and school, but it definitely can be done if you really want to finish the degree. It might end up being that if you decide an MFA is what you really want, that something else needs to be sacrificed in order to give yourself more time/less stress. Many of us gave up full time jobs to do this and I hate to say to consider that because I know you just had a baby, but it’s not unreasonable to think of it as an option. Or you could always have a nice heart to heart with Jeremy to find out how he does his classes plus a full time job plus teaching a class (I still cant believe he’s doing that on top of everything else). Yikes.
Well, good luck on thinking it over and let me know if you need someone to vent to 🙂
well, we all know Jeremy’s a freak.
I really appreciate your input and almost wish all my other Photo peeps read my journal because I value all their opinions and love the input.
Lately, I’ve just felt like the MFA program is destroying my love for photography, but I think that’s just the stress talking.
I stopped drawing like I use to while in college. Granted I don’t think it was art classes that killed it but depression. It took well over 10 years for me to start drawing again and feel happy about it. I remember vividly having artistic urges but not knowing where to focus them. Once I started drawing again it was like I had stuck oil within myself.
I have a book you might like to read called “The Artist Way” which helps people focus on being creative without being smothered by real life.
I would love to borrow it. I’ve also got Bird By Bird which is more about writing than art in general, but it discusses the process of just working through creative problems step by step.
Firstly, yeah Jeremy seems crazy. HOWEVER, I will say in his defense that the reason it works for him is that he has a really worked out system of how he gets it all done and he sticks to it. A lot of it involves multitasking and working at night, but he’d never get it done without a system in place.
I’m glad you appreciate the input because I don’t want to seem like I’m being too directive or absolute. I think that perhaps they don’t read your blog because they don’t know it exists. Plus, many of them don’t do LiveJournal. Actually, I don’t know if any of them have one…
I think there is a big difference in the degree destroying your enjoyment in the art vs. it feeling like that sometimes when it’s stressing you out. Sometimes I wonder things like that myself, but ultimately I always know it’s just the stress and that it will pass. However, if it never passes for as long as you are enrolled in classes, maybe that’s a different sign. I don’t know… :-/
your introspection is interesting and probably healthy. i haven’t known many people that really tried to understand their own fundamental motivation and purpose. on the other hand, you shouldn’t make yourself crazy about it. you might say about your life what they say about history: “history is written backward, but lived forward.” you may find the questions you’re wrestling with won’t really be answerable until you’re at the further end of your life, looking back. then perhaps you’ll know whether you were an artist or a craftsman…or maybe not. there may not even be much difference; i think there’s a lot of each in both. i think most of those driven artists that “must” create do so mainly in movies. most artists i have known in my life largely created things because they found pleasure in doing so, not because they were constantly in the grip of some overpowering compulsion. like everybody else, some artists are energetic, some are lazy; some find easy inspiration, others have lapses between ideas. artists get tired too, have jobs, raise babies; all lives have their mundane aspects. not many really drift about on a creative cloud, isolated from the cares of the world with beauty constantly flowing from their fingertips.
you’re in a period of max stress; trying to do school and start a family at the same time. my advice, worth what it cost, is if nothing else, think of your mfa program as just giving you the tools that you’ll use in the future. hunker down, do it, get through it, and get out. at that point you’ll see a less philosophical and more practical aspect to the art/craft question. you can hang out your shingle and be an artist, although it’s a tough way to make a living. relatively few people can actually support themselves on sales of fine art. or, you can sell your skills as a craftsman to an employer. employers who think they want an artist usually don’t; typically they know what they want and need a craftsman to make it for them. the difference between art and craft in the working world may just depend upon which end of the telescope you’re looking into. you may, as many do,do both — create your art and sell your craft.
it’s very dangerous to let me get near a keyboard late at night, so you can just delete all this. keep your spirits up, love that baby, get through school, and get out into the world. you’ll find your path. in the meanwhile, i do enjoy your potd shots. you have a good eye.
February 18, 2008