…in which I speak about myself as an artist, a craftsman, and an individual.
I’ve reached the same frustrating plateau that I did with my last photography project, that point where it’s “really close;” that point where I just need to push it a little further and make it stand out. Its that point where the only solution is to shoot more and “play” more. It is that place where I finally got so frustrated and so “photo-blocked” that I couldn’t produce anything, and I’m afraid I’m hitting the same place again. Its the place where I begin to suspect that I am a craftsman more than an artist. I can take a damned fine photograph if I do say so myself, but I can’t seem to dig in and find the creative spark to go from a fine photograph to fine art. If I really wanted to, I could take perfect calendar photos (which make up the majority of the “best photographs” on flickr), but I can’t seem to push it to a place where it would catch a gallerist’s interest. I also don’t have much interest in making calendar photos.
This is the same place where I start to wonder if I really am cut out to be an artist. The one thing I always question, the one thing that always comes to mind at this point, is a quote I read not too long ago that says “An artist makes art because he must.” I’ve never, necessarily felt this way. I don’t know if its because I’m not an artist, or if its because I grew up to believe that there was nothing I “must do.” That I could do anything I wanted. I am not career oriented, I don’t have a driving desire to make a name for myself or to be implicitly successful. My only driving goal is to be happy, and my happiness comes quite simply. I would like a little bit more money, I would like a little bit more free time, but I don’t need a big house, or a convertible, or airline mies. Health, happiness, security; these are the things I need. So I ask myself again, am I an artist or a craftsman, and if I am the latter, do I have the dedication and desire to become more than just a craftsman.
Part of the problem is time and time management. Between Sleeping from I’m awake, on average, from 7am to 11pm each day, and on five of those days, I’m either getting ready for work, at work, or coming home from work from the time that I wake up until nearly 6pm. During that time after 6pm, Ansel is awake for only and hour or two, which puts me as being “busy” from 7am to 8pm. That leaves three hours between Ansel going to bed and my going to bed. Thats three hours of “me” time; or more importantly, “us” time for Heather and I. I am loathe to shed any of that away. I hate leaving the house after I’ve gotten home, and I hate to do any “work” after having already worked for the greatest majority of my day. Its so much easier just to say “I’ll work on Photo later,” but then I end up with a crit in 3 days and nothing prepared (which is a rapidly approaching inevitability, once again).
I love Photo, and I don’t want to quit, but my main goal in starting my MFA was to shake up my life. I was in a stagnant place. I hadn’t picked up a camera in years, I hadn’t done anything but work since I had graduated in ’99, and the idea of me doing anything academic had pretty much left me completely behind. Starting my MFA required me to rebuild my life. To once again become more creative, to think academically, to open myself up to new experiences, and to get out of the rut that had become a trench. Since then, however, I’ve started my photo of the day project (and as you know, am now on my second), I never go anywhere with out a camera, I am reading much more, I am trying to write more, and I am more critical of the things I do. And then, on top of all that, I now have my baby Ansel to shake everything up like a polaroid picture (yeah, that turn of phrase is about to die).
I just don’t know what I’m doing right now or where I’m going. All I know is I have stress and I can’t seem to shuffle it off like I used to. I need to push myself, but I don’t know if I’ll bend or break.
