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Fight Night

I try not to talk about my problems with HeatherEJCHeather in my livejournal, but I feel like I have to say something since I haven’t said anything since last night when we went to bed angry. Don’t they say never go to bed angry? Oh well.

Sex is a major issue in our house, or lack of sex I guess is the big issue. We are on completely different pages intimately, as in, I want intimacy, she wants to paint cabinets. She can’t seem to find a way to get her body to crave intimate and sexual feelings. Even if I spend an hour massaging, touching, caressing, kissing, stroking, and fondling her body, she still gets stiff and turns away as soon as any indication that we may try to go further arises. When I see her naked, I want to touch her and hold her. When she sees me naked, well, I don’t know what goes through her head, but nothing ever happens. She says it’s not me, it’s not my appearance, and I believe her. I don’t know if I’m a fool to or not, but the problem definitely seems deeper than superficial concerns about appearance. In fact, about the only guaranteed way to get anything out of her is to set her down and force her to watch porn. Great, how does that make me feel, I can’t turn on my wife, but I can turn on the VCR and let it do it for me.

This is no new problem either, we’ve been dealing with this for over 7 years now (seven years!). I’ve tried doing everything I can think of, and I’ve tried doing nothing at all so as not to pressure or stress her. My patience, I think, is running out. I love her soooo much it hurts that we have this problem. I have noticed lately that I am exceedingly short tempered and more on edge. I can’t help but think the two are related. As I stress more and more about this rift in our relationship, it seems to effect my emotional status elsewhere. I just don’t know what to do anymore. I see my wife and I think about how much I love her, that love makes me want to hug her and kiss her, that connection makes me want to hold her closer and touch her more intimately, that intimacy makes me want to make love to her. Unfortunately that never happens (okay, not never, but hardly ever). And then on the rare occasions we actually do have sex, it’s not on my terms at all. I have no control over my own sexuality, it’s not a give and take agreement, its not a compromise. I just have to sit on the couch and wait for the dull spark of inspiration to hit her when she thinks maybe there’s a slim possibility that if we focus all our attention and effort solely on her, that maybe, just maybe, she’ll warm up to the idea of sex. Sounds pretty nihilistic, but that’s not too exaggerated.

It’s so hard to go though life and not be wanted at all, to not be lusted after, to not be desired or craved. It’s hard to join your wife in the shower on a whim, wash her hair gently, caress her whole body with soap and massage her all over, fondle her and touch her in places that are only appropriate between intimate couples, and have her rinse off and hop out of the shower, leaving you leaning, rejected, against the cold marble wall. It’s hard, and I don’t know what to do anymore.

She went to counseling a while back, but didn’t like the counselor and didn’t feel like she was getting anything out of it. So she stopped going. I suggested it again and she said she wanted me to go with her. Not so much so we could work on things together, but so she can feel validated in telling me the things that she thinks about all the time, the things she thinks will upset me and make me get depressed. More depressed than now? More depressed than I get any time I realize that my wife will not, does not, and can not want to have sex with me? I can’t imagine what she’s not telling me. Money’s tight right now so I don’t know if we can afford to send her to counseling again, but I think it’s extremely important that we do. This problem is not going away, it’s not necessarily getting worse, but it was bad to start with.

I would not have married her if I didn’t truly love her, and I feel stronger for her now than I did when I married her. That’s why it hurts so much that we can’t resolve this.

On an up note, it’s Friday. On a down note, Heather’s on her last of 21 “green pills” and about to take her first of 7 “blue pills,” if you know what I mean.

I still feel a little bad for writing all this, but if I bit my tongue any longer, I might have bitten it off.

3 replies on “Fight Night”

Oh honey, how I understand!

This cant be long, as the hubby needs the comp…but man…
I read your entry and just had to answer it.
I, too, have a very hard time getting the mojo going (to be humerous about it). Before we got married, sex was like crazy…it was awesome, and it was constant, whether at home or in public (heh, we abused UNT!)….and continued to be so for a little while there after. But over the past couple years…I have been less and less able to even consider sex.
I call it my female impotance, heh. I really cant pinpoint why or when it started going downhill, since I love Mike very much and know he is my soulmate. Why cant I be turned on??? Its not like Im taking drugs or something that would involuntary mess with my libido. SO the only answer is that it is all in my head.
Now I know that stress causes major problems with sexual intimacy…but this has gone on far too long to be stress (3 yrs).
Ok, from the gal’s side: I am not proud of my body. I know that a naked person is sexy no matter what the dimensions or the weight…especially when you love them. But I dont think that way of me. I have often at times, get dressed in the shower, or wrapped a towel around me and run to the other room, close the door and get dressed. And then get upset if he comes in unknowingly. I used to be the horniest lil’ thang on the face of the earth…and now, even watching porn or reading erotica, etc doesnt even stir up anything (androgenous pun not intended!). I constantly turn down his advances to take a shower together,and even avoid hugging him too close or be to touchy because I am worried that it will turn him on and I wont be able to do anything for him. I cant even turn myself on alone, if you know what I mean. So I am chalking it all up to how much I despise myself. I used to be 125lbs and sexy; soccer, hockey and running made my legs and butt tasty and I strutted my stuff for anyone and everyone. Now, I am 166, quite rotund and have a horrible csection scar that makes it impossible to flatten the baby pooch. Every now and then I get the urge, but it leaves as fast as it appeared. Like your lady, I would much rather clean house, etc. than have sex…horrible huh? And I hate the toll it takes on Mike, because I know Im messing with his esteem unintentionally. I cant stand seeing him depressed and hurted by my rejection. But that still doesnt make me feel any different. I would die for this man, yet not sleep with him. Fucked up huh?
I am going through counseling for my esteem and other issues…so down the road it may change things. But for now, Im helpless as Mike is…all I can say is hang in there. You have every right to be upset, but what I/we need now more than anything is to know you men still love us for who we are, not just our body. Do little things to help build our esteem, even though we may ignore it now and then. Instead of fondling, etc. be romantic and do sweet things. Write love letters or have dinner by the fireplace, etc. Things that sound cheesy! It will help distract us from our preoccupation with ourselves. Heh, This has not happened for me directly yet, but I would love it if it did (*wink wink* *nudge nudge* sweetie!).
Just know that it is not you, that you are loved mightily despite the sexual barrier. I/we want to be there for you, just give us a little time. (Sorry about the changes in person!)
I know that my hubby can totally relate to you, so you two ought to talk about it and vent! Or, if you need that female perspective, feel free to talk to me anytime!

I do my very best every day to remind her that sex is not why I’m in this relationship. I could tell her more, I could leave more notes.

Heather, I love you sooooo much that I can’t even express it sometimes. I know sex is a problem, but besides all that, besides the fighting, besides the depression, I love you more now than I ever have.

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