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Survey Says … I Suck

Twice in the last week I’ve been either evaluated or criticized for my performance in some aspect of my life and both times have come up lacking.

Late last week I was up for a performance review at work. I felt pretty confident about it as I’ve always done fairly well on my reviews (scoring an average of 3 or better out of 5). As I thumbed through the 8 pages of my review I was confronted by 2 after 2 after 2. Almost every grade I got was a 2. Now that is still better than a 1, but not much. Some of the items I fully agree deserved a 2, there are a lot of aspect of my job, that after 3 years I still am unclear on. That’s fair. But there are some aspects that I am wholely dedicated to that still recieved 2’s, even aspects that I think I kick ass at. But still, I know that a lot of work I do goes undocumented so even there, I’m not too put off. Really, the kick in the crotch was on the personal comments from my supervisor where it said that my attitude had deteriorated over the last year and that I constantly received complaints of being rude to the customers. If I’m receiving complaints I want to know about them and I’ll be damned if my attitude is deteriorating, and if it is, by jingos, it ain’t doing it alone.

Either way, I decided not to complain or even comment about my review, I instead decided just to prove everyone wrong and just kick a lot of ass and take names, a lot of names. I’m documenting my work, I’m bending over backwards to please the people I deal with. I’m focusing, I’m spending less time reading email, surfing the net, building personal web pages (which I still feel like is a bit of work since one of my tasks is to stay abreast of new web technology and design so that I can keep our page up to date). I’m going to be A-Number-One-Computer-Tech-Support-Master-Okey-Dokey!

Secondly, this weekend I was confronted and informed that I was a horrible role player, disruptive and problematic. I was informed that all of my fellow players felt the same way and that I should change my way for playing for fear of losing any friends I actually have. I have apparently been kicked out of two games as a result of my playing style.

I’m trying not to take this as a personal attack, but it’s hard. All I can say is that by Monday I was pretty much in the gutters and spinning down the drain quickly. All the depression I’ve been suffering from lately was not helping and these recent events were just fuel for the fire. I’ve been wandering aimlessly in my mind the last few days trying to decide what’s what, who’s who and where I’m going now, and finding a lot of dead ends and blank thoughts.

I do want to count my blessings still, I have a wonderful wife who loves me no matter what other people think of me and gets mad when she hears about people speaking badly of me. I have a number of friends who still stand by me and make me feel better not on purpose, but just for being themselves (vish 😉 ). I have discovered some old friends that have been missing from my life for a long time and my heart rises any time I have a chance to visit them. I have a beautiful house that is mine (and the bank’s) that keeps the rain off my head. I have family and extended family that will always be there no matter what, when I want them and even when I don’t.

I feel better today, not a lot better, and I’m still a bit concerned about my next confrontation with my overly criticizing friend (yes, I still call him a friend, I don’t give up that easy). I want peace, but I don’t necesarrily want surrender or defeat, I would rather just call a truce.

Oh well, I’m wasting valuable time that could be better spent kicking more asses and taking more names.

2 replies on “Survey Says … I Suck”

I’m not sure what the second of the two games is, but as far as I’m concerned, you are still invited to sunday nights at my place. I’m all for you guys working this out.

So nobody likes you? You didn’t go eat worms did you? Hope not, cause those people are definately not everyone. That work thing kinda amazes me, but then, the last time we worked together, I think I tried to kill you? And role-playing, sheesh, I been wanting to role-play with you for years, and never gotten a real chance to do so (damn 1000-mile commute). I’ve often had similar problems with gaming groups, though most of the groups I’ve been part of have talked to me before booting me out. Seems that I’m a bit of a rules lawyer…oops.

I’m sure if you talk it out with them, you can work out a mutual agreement on behaviors, heck, if possible, use some of the other members bad habits as counter bargains?

eh, good luck to ya!

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