Supposedly the best survey ever…pretty offensive

Best Survey EVER, cause it contains NO boring questions like “What’s
your favorite color?” No one gives a flying fuck what your favorite
color is, jerk…. unless your favorite color is “death”, cause that’s
weird enough to make me care a little I guess. But if your favorite
color is death that’s weird enough that you probably shouldn’t be
admitting it in a survey.

1. If you met a guy at a bar and he proved beyond doubt that he could
eat crushed glass and then 15 minutes later poop out a golden retriver
puppy, would this guy be more impressive to you than Jesus???

Probably since I’m fairly agnostic and at best, I believe jesus was just a dude.

2. STOP!!! I want you to to do a little exercise for me… Take a
moment and imagine a famous celebrity killing a hooker in a hotel room.
Really imagine it actually happening, cause it’s important to the next
series of questions.

Now, using that…

a) Who was the celebrity?

Fred Durst

b) What method were they using to kill the hooker?

He beat the everliving shit out of her after she laughed at his tiny dick.

3. You meet the perfect partner. He/She is wonderful and perfect for
you in every way. Then one day you find out that he/she lives in a tree
house, has always lived in a tree house, and will never in their life
consider living in anything but a tree house. Is this a deal breaker
for you? Explain.

Hell no, thats the coolest thing ever! I will live in a tree, eat fresh fritos, and call myself Puggy

4. What’s the nearest object to you that you think you could use to
commit suicide if you really wanted to just fucking end it all but were
kind of feeling lazy in terms of how far you were willing to walk to
achieve this goal?

There’s one of the extendable Exacto type knives in my drawer only inches away.

5. Anal virginity?

Yes and No.

6. What should we as a society do with the poor and the stupid people that plague our modern world?

This is a tough question for me to answer, I feel that all the
darwinism has been removed from the human race. Maybe, even though I
absolutely abhor the medium, we should have reality TV shows where the
losers are killed and the winners are given the prize of vasectomies
and/or tubal occlusion and large sacks of cash.

7. What is the opposite of sex?

apathy

8. If they started making viagra for wombats, would this make you more
or less likely to support a congressional proposal to make convicted
rapists sleep in sleeping bags with a live wombat?

o.O

9. A man breaks into your house and uses some kind of horrible threat
to force you to have dirty sex with everyone on your top 8 except those
who are directly related to you (siblings, parents, ect.). Which person
out fo those 8 do you think would be the most awkward lover for you?

Sorry Joe (Mystery White Boy) it’d just take our friendship in all the wrong directions.

10. *there is NO question 10*

11. Time for another exercise! This time I want you to picture yourself
butt naked and chasing your aunt around a store, trying to get her to
touch your genitals.

Now, using that…

a) What store was it? (If not a specific store, what type of store?)

a non-descript department store, maybe the Penny Saver from “My Name is Earl”

b) Assuming you have multiple aunts, which aunt did you picture, and why?

My Aunt Jackie, she’s the only one who I’ve ever found attractive in an
“I wish I wan’t related” kind of way, but that was a long time ago. Either way, its still not a
thought for sane people and I wish you hadn’t made me think that way.

12. If a gigantic scorpion wandered into your home and demanded you
give it something “awesome” to drink, and told you if you didn’t give
it something awesome enough on the very first try it would kill the
shit out of you, what would you give it, using only the drinks you
currently have in your fridge?

I’ve been mixing together this concoction of Orange Juice, Cranberry Juice, Cranberry Juice, Vanilla Vodka, and Ouzo.

13. Can you imagine yourself ever getting married to someone who is
perfect in every way except that he/she thinks Apples are superfluous
and refuses to enter any place where apples are eaten, served, kept or
sold?

I can’t see that being a huge problem, but then again, I don’t really pay close attention to apples on the menu.

14. If a dude lumberjack drives a Canary Yellow Mazda Miata, does this
make him a pussy, or does the lumberjack thing cancell out the Miata?

for one, no lumberjack in the world is going to even FIT in the Miata,
so he must be a tiny lumberjack. secondly, no, being a lumberjack does
not cancel out the wussiness of driving a miata.

15. If you had to get a word or phrase tattoo’d dircetly above your genitals, what would it say?

Objects may be larger than they appear.

16. Do you care what people think about the way you make out?

I only care what one person thinks about the way I make out – and she seems to like it okay.

17. If baked goods rose up and declared themselves affiliated with a
major international religion, which religion would they choose?

Catholicism, isn’t it all secretly full of cream puffs anyway?

18. If dinosaurs came back to life and then it turned out that they all
really, really love figure skating, what would you think?

more power to them, but I ain’t watching it on TV.

19. If a really rich person claps their hands and yells to their butler, “Chop, chop!” what do they mean?

“My onions aren’t getting cut up nearly fast enough!”

20. Do you like the person from whom you stole this? Explain.

Yeah, Carries a sweet fun person who made work a little more entertaining.

21. What do you smell right now?

I can’t say that I smell anything specific – but I do have gas, I’m just holding it in until I leave the building.

22. If you met someone in a bar and they told you they were a
proffessional midget trainer, what would you assume that job entailed?

whips, a very small chair, some trapeeze equipment and a bag of vienna sausages.

23. One more exercise!!! I want you to imagine that you’re the exhalted
leader of a cult. You head up to the stage to make your morning
announcements, but before you speak you pause to look out at your
followers. While you’re scanning their faces you make really sexy eye
contact with a really cute follower who’s a member of the opposite sex,
and it’s really obvious they want you sexually in the worst way.

Now, using that…

a) What kind of garb were you wearing? (Normal clothes, Tuxedo, Flowing robes, ect…)

dark heavy robes, but no hood, wide shoulders and a fancy broad cloth belt.

b) Was there anything different about your haircut and/or facial hair pattern?

I believe my hair was shorter, but not much.

c) What color was the sexy follower’s hair?

light brown

24. CNN just announced that “Vikings are making a comeback”. Thoughts?

the who are doing what? is that a Norweigan joke?

25. Have you ever eaten anything that you’ve personally killed?

nope.

26. If you found out that God had an older brother named Todd who was a
perpetually disheveled looking pot-bellied alcaholic who lacked the
ability to hold a steady job and refused to pay child support for any
of his many illigitimate children, would this make you think better of
God, or worse? Explain.

I’m agnostic, for all I know, he does.

27. Do you wish there was a 28th question on this survey?

no, but I wish there was a 10.