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Some days I realize that I’m pretty much unskilled in the areas that I’ve chosen to make my living. I realize that a lot of people have probably found their way into a similar position, but every now and then, I realize that I really want to go further in some directions and I don’t have the skills or knowledge to do so. Really, rather than being well eductated, I’ve become a fast learner and can follow dirrections very efficiently. Fortunately, for the most part, that’s pretty much all I need to do. On occasion, however, I realize that that’s just not enough and that if I were to really want to do something, I’d not have the qualifications to do so. And even if I could convince other people that I could do it, I would be concerned that my shortcomings would make it to where I would feel that I shouldn’t have done it in the first place.

Shit, does any of that make any sense? I think I’m just rambling.

Long story short, the school that I work for has finally admitted to itself (though a lot of political leverage) that it needs a new web page. This is something I’ve been fighting for since, well, since I created the present incarnation of it (yes, that generic looking B&W monster is my creation). I was excited about this because it meant I’d be able to do something I truly enjoy as a part of my standard workload. I enjoy designing and coding web pages, but I realize I’m not a great designer, which is why I was doubly excited by the fact that one of our design faculty was going to spearhead the design aspect and I’d be on the back end putting it all together.

At a lunch meeting today with the faculty member, our network manager and myself, two students happened along as well. It turns out that she had recruited some members from her class to assist with the project but by the end of lunch, it sounded like all my talents and efforts would be covered by these students and I would be left to “implement” the final website. From my standpoint, “implement” equates to “copy final files to the web server.”

Color me dejected.

So since lunch, I’ve felt like a day laborer who just happened to find his way into computer support. I often think of how much I’d enjoy some simple, blue color labor, but then I realized that I’m technically an unskilled laborer and wouldn’t qualify for better than a floor worker that would make significantly less than I do. In fact, about the only advantage I have over a simple day laborer is the fact that I speak english as my native language. Damn.

I’m going to go now.

4 replies on “”

Oh honey…
…your pain…
..feel it…been there…still there…
and the exact same scenario/frustration with Mike. We have gone through gods-know-how-many buckets o’ beer with it being the prevailing topic of the evening.
I dare say any more right now, or I could go into the philisophical rant associated with this topic…etc.etc.etc…so on and so forth.
Also, take my lack of experience/skills and add it to the fact that there are too many things I want to do to choose…
and Im pretty fucked.
The life of a wandering hobo/gypsy has always appealed to me because of those reasons!

I call fie on that shit

I got an idea. How about using the degree you wasted many years acquiring? What the hell were you thinking of when you took the job at SOVA, other than having a nice comfort position? Your abilities are so wasted at that job, it’s pathetic. All I see when I walk in that office is people who are capable of so much, settling for so little. Yeah, it pays the bills and all, but paying the bills is by no means the be all, end all of life.

And then you wanna sit there and say you have no abilities. That’s utter bullshit. You’re one of the most talented people I know, which is why it pisses me off so to see how badly you squander your talents. You’re very artistic and creative and able to do things with graphics and design on a largely self-taught basis that prolly half the people who graduate UNT with design training can’t do.

Get into layout/design in the publishing industry. Get more seriously into movies or TV. Get into game design. Get into real, legitimate computer support. Get into full-time web design. Get into grad school and put your artistic abilities to work. Get into the management field. Get into something, anything. And for god’s sake, get out of that comfortable, never-fucking-going-anywhere-ever womb of complacency office.

I would say you owe it to yourself, but that’s not true. You owe it to all the people who don’t have half the ability you have, but have all the desire and drive that you don’t have.


Thanks I think?

I already realize a lot of what you’re saying and totally agree. I think what was getting me down, is that even when the opportunity to use that creativity is presented to me, someone with greater talent, or at least greater confidence, can still swoop in and steal my thunder. I was extremely excited when I discovered that I would have a chance to redo the web site, but now my involvement seems to be slipping more and more.

I’m ready to go to grad school, I want to learn more, I want to take the raw talent and hone it into a laser beam of skill and fury. I’m still trying to figure out a) what I’m goign to focus on as a Graduate (will I expand my photography, will I change gears and go into comm design, will I switch to information science) and b) where all that damn money will come from. We’re living on cents at the end of every month now, I really don’t know how we’ll handle me doing school, but it’s been a topic as of late.

No need to kick me in the pants man, I’m kicking as hard as I can already.

I gotta say I agree with him. Even I would have put it a little more tactfully, but… I will say that in high school I was half scared of you and half amzed by all the shit you knew and could do. You always came bustin’ in with all kinds of knew stuff and it seemed like you knew about everything. Ya’ know I’m the oldest and it was kinda cool to get an idea of what the older brother ya’ looked up to thing was like. But I agree with your friend that it is high time to GET OPFF YOUR BUTT AND DO SOMETHING! If you want to go to grad scool, apply for the loans and go. My vote is for photgraphy. I think you could be using that know for some kind of sideline thing, that could earn you $$ for grad school. I also think you’d be good at layout or making games. Just remeber you don’t have to chuck everything you have now to start down a different path.

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